I always wanted to be rescued. 

Preferably by a man on horseback, with long, wild hair flowing in the wind — but even beyond that. I’ve wanted to be rescued from the doldrums of daily life, saved from social situations, and airlifted away from errors so I wouldn’t have to face my failures. I longed for a best friend alongside me at every moment, to speak up for me when someone treated me unfairly, or to advocate my needs when they were not being met. Can you imagine? But the truth is that the only person I will have in my life, at least there in every moment of it, is me. 

“The only person I will have in my life, at least there in every moment of it, is me.”

In the first thirty years of my life, that thought terrified me. I can’t speak up for myself, I thought. My voice doesn’t carry the same weight as someone else’s. Instead, I relied on people pleasing, and shrinking myself to the point where one day I felt I could hardly see my own reflection. I abandoned myself in a tall tower, surrounded by the dragons of self-loathing and doubt, hoping someone would rescue me and bring me back into the world. 

As the years relentlessly move forward, my perspective is shifting. It’s not that I’m forced to be alone with myself at all times — I actually get to be with myself all the time. To be in charge of my own self-cultivation is a gift, not a burden. 

During my last international trip, I was journaling at a local pub, and encountered a fellow American patron who decided I looked like I wanted to talk (I did not). As he talked at me, he drifted closer, getting friendlier and friendlier, until he began leaning into me and touching my arm. Mind you, I was leaning so far away at this point I could have fallen off my bar stool.

I wish someone would tell this guy off, I thought. It was at that moment my voice came to me like a bolt of lightning. 

“Hey, can you back up?” I said, with more confidence than I knew I had.

He backed off, downplaying the moment with an awkward joke. I extricated myself shortly after that (because he almost immediately came right back to talk to me). 

And then it hit me: I got myself there, and more importantly I got myself out. Kind of like a girlfriend who shimmies between you and someone trying to dance with you against your will at a house party — I showed up for myself. 

“It hit me: I got myself there, and more importantly I got myself out.”

These small, powerful moments of advocacy are where friendships get forged, and I felt it. I spoke up for myself in a way I always wished others would, right when I needed it the most. 

I discovered that I’ve been working all these years to become my own best friend, and this was the first time I fully acknowledged it. (Should I get myself a BFF necklace? No. Right? Maybe. 👀) 

So the first part of becoming your own best friend is identifying your boundaries and understanding what you’re willing and able to do to uphold them. This doesn’t mean what you hope others will do for you — you’re both the judge and sheriff of your own limits. 

“I think of myself as two entities wrapped into one: the person existing in the world, and the spirit charged with keeping my safety and best interests as top priorities.”

I think of myself as two entities wrapped into one: the person existing in the world, and the spirit charged with keeping my safety and best interests as top priorities. Think of it like meditation — there’s your egoic mind, constantly racing, pondering, analyzing, and then there’s a deeper consciousness that is simply meant to observe and hold space. As I put more self-love practices into play, I find this deeper consciousness has a helpful voice when I’m in a particularly sticky situation, and it’s usually right.

This listening, though, is also difficult work. Maybe you know your boundaries, but do you listen when your gut is telling you something important? Do you trust yourself, to the point where you act on your instincts when the red flags are waving? Self-trust is a lifelong process, but it’s worth cultivating through small, daily actions of following through for yourself. 

Journaling is a powerful tool for recording moments where you did, or did not, act on those gut signals. I like to keep a track record of all my uncertainties, all my wins, and all my questions, so that when I go back to read my journals I can see just how much I can gain from listening to myself during difficult times. 

The unsung hero of any best friendship, though, is tough love. You don’t always want it, but sometimes you need it (in fact, I have specifically asked my closest friends for tough love when I know I need a good reality check).

“The unsung hero of any best friendship, though, is tough love. You don’t always want it, but sometimes you need it.”

Sometimes my version of being there for myself turns from “treat yourself” to a more nefarious form of self-destructive coping. This includes staying up way too late, drinking one too many beers, and leaning too heavily on microwaved cheese goodies for lunch (and dinner, and so on). 🧀

Yet here’s where balance comes in, as it does in any relationship. If my best friend IRL was going through a devastating time, I would encourage her to lean into as many healthful coping mechanisms as possible — and I’d also encourage her to practice self-forgiveness when those things don’t go perfectly. (Eating cheese is better than eating nothing at all, as I have been known to say.) Because there is, of course, a balance between practicing tough love on ourselves, and being so hard on ourselves we can no longer function.

Give yourself tough love when you need it; maybe it’s even a weekly journal prompt check-in you can add to your rotation. If you were to give yourself constructive (yet kind) criticism, what would you most need to hear right now?

That’s where we get to the most uncomfortable truth: Maintaining any deep friendship is not always sunshine and rainbows. There’s going to be conflict between you and your dearest folks — and you’re going to face conflict within yourself, too. But conflict isn’t a bad thing; I like to think it’s the metalsmith’s hammer shaping something that was once formless into a strong, usable, beautiful thing. 

“No one likes to face the least lovely sides of who they are, but sometimes we need to look at those ugly bits and learn to love those, too.”

I am usually happy to give myself tough love, but implementing it is an exercise in and of itself. No one likes to face the least lovely sides of who they are, but sometimes we need to look at those ugly bits and learn to love those, too. We don’t have to keep these habits and thought patterns that no longer serve us, but they’re still a part of our stories — maybe it’s a past mistake, a heartbreak we inflicted on someone else, or simply the outcome of one of our worst days. I know when I look at my best friends, I don’t see just their worst days. So I’m learning to do the same for myself.   

It circles back to boundaries, but this time instead of holding them against a touchy-feely bar patron, it’s asking yourself to please back off when you’ve stretched yourself too thin or strayed too far from your goals. 

No matter where you’re at in your relationship with yourself, give yourself a figurative (or literal) hug. You may have all the support in the world, or you may have just one or two strong pillars in your life. Whatever your world looks like, know — and trust — that you’ve got your own back. 

You are your own knight in shining armor — be brave, and rescue yourself, even if all that means is just being there for you.

Emily McGowan is the Editorial Director at The Good Trade. She studied Creative Writing and Business at Indiana University, and has over ten years of experience as a writer and editor in sustainability and lifestyle spaces. Since 2017, she’s been discovering and reviewing the top sustainable home, fashion, beauty, and wellness products so readers can make their most informed decisions. Her editorial work has been recognized by major publications like The New York Times and BBC Worklife. You can usually find her in her colorful Los Angeles apartment journaling, caring for her rabbits and cat, or gaming. Say hi on Instagram!