Why are you still single? Hearing this question, do your eyes start to burn from the unsolicited spotlight? Do your cheeks flush with sudden self-consciousness? Mine do.

Someone inquiring about your love life may not always have malicious intent. However, for many single people, the question carries with it the undertone of So, what’s wrong with you, and why haven’t you fixed it yet?

“For many single people, the question carries with it the undertone of So, what’s wrong with you, and why haven’t you fixed it yet?“

Whether you’re 18 or 88, we’re all vulnerable to society imposing its expectations onto the unique timelines of our lives. No matter your stage of life, background, or sexual orientation, we all face a set of assumptions about where we should be in life and what we should have “by now.” A committed, romantic relationship is one that people often like to point out. 

Even though the stigma around singleness is lessening, with eight in ten Americans agreeing that “you don’t need to get married to have a happy and fulfilling life,” many still place achieving romantic connection on an unhelpful pedestal.

Researchers Susan Sprecher and Diane Felmee explored the “fear of being single” and found that the pressure to partner up from our social networks — friends, family, and primarily parents — is experienced by both men and women. (The study did not include other genders.) However, their research revealed that women experienced “more pressure to form a relationship than did men, particularly from parents and family (while controlling for age) as expected.”

“The pressure to partner up from our social networks — friends, family, and primarily parents — is experienced by both men and women.”

The assumption that any adult, especially a woman, without a partner is somehow less fulfilled, happy, or evolved still exists. You’ll find it at Sunday brunch with friends, in concerned check-in calls with Mom, or in conversations with Great Aunt Linda over holiday dinner.

But we singles don’t have to succumb to the hot seat of shame when asked why we are still single. Whether you’re open to a relationship, have no interest at all, or are somewhere in between, there’s a way to assertively answer this question. 

Read on for some options, with examples of how the conversation might go, and discover which track works for you best. Keep this response in your back pocket for the next time you’re asked about your relationship status, and leave the shame of singleness in the past.

1. A bold response: “I’m open to a relationship”

Q: Why are you still single?
A: Well, can’t you tell? I’m top shelf! I’d be a fool to refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t think so. So, if you have any worthy contenders in mind, let me know.

If you’re casually open to a relationship and want to leave a bold impression, consider playing with the “top shelf” concept as a playful redirect to an otherwise anxiety-inducing exchange. 

“This response assertively communicates that you know your value and will not apologize for it.”

This response assertively communicates that you know your value and will not apologize for it, nor will you shrink yourself for the sake of fitting into a relationship that doesn’t rise to meet you. 

If you’re pestered for having too high of standards, consider pulling confidence from certified relationship coach Jillian Turecki’s guidance, “We have to decide that we’ll only invest in people who want to invest in us, too. Anything else is unacceptable. […] Having a standard for how we want to be treated and who we want to spend our life with is how we choose our peace and sanity over anxiety and chaos.”

This bold reply relays that you’re happy to wait for a partner who recognizes your worth and gives you room to blossom. And in the meantime, you’re more than capable of blossoming on your own.

2. A freeing response: “I have no interest in a relationship.”

Q: Why are you still single?
A: You know, I feel no need to sacrifice the flexibility and freedom of my single life. I love having all this time to enjoy things I love. I’m basking in how that feels, and honestly, I’m enjoying every second.

This freedom-based response allows you to repaint the loneliness stereotype surrounding singleness.

By infusing the conversation with the pros of your romantic freedom — benefits the asker may have never considered — you dismantle the assumption that you’re fundamentally lacking as a single person.

“Dismantle the assumption that you’re fundamentally lacking as a single person.”

Mandy Hill, author of “The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass,” writes, “Single is no longer a lack of options — but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.”

Honing in on what singleness gives you rather than what it keeps from you is a chance to lovingly flip the script for yourself and the asker.

3. An honest response: “I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Q: Why are you still single?
A: I’m learning that the most important relationship I have is the relationship I have with myself — my brain, my body, and my heart. Those parts of me aren’t ready to open the door to someone new, and it wouldn’t be kind of me to force them.

Depending on your level of emotional safety with the asker, this transparent response could serve as a catalyst for greater connection, insight, and compassion about the timeline of your life, what got you there, and why. 

Sixty-three-year-old writer and fashion enthusiast Heidi Clements, the author of Welcome to Heidi, demonstrates the power of owning her narrative around her singleness. “I believe I am still single as a result of my history with both sexual assault and alcoholism – one feeding the other,” she writes.

“Consider how the gift of your vulnerability in your response could be a gateway to openness, transparency, and deepened connection.”

Heidi shares, “I know my brain has let go of the things that have been done to me, but I’m not quite sure my body has, and men don’t feel particularly safe to me. That said, when I find one who does, I will dive back in and rethink coupledom.”

Harnessing the weight of her vulnerability, Heidi adds vital context to her choice of remaining single. She acknowledges the layers of lived experience that play into how her mind and body are still healing, powerfully refusing to rush the process.

There’s stunning strength in your honesty, and for those who’ve earned the right to hear your story, that honesty can light a flame of self-compassion.

Consider how the gift of your vulnerability in your response could be a gateway to openness, transparency, and deepened connection. 

4. A sincere response: “I’m ready for something real.”

Q: Why are you still single?
A: I’ve built a life I love, and it means too much to me to share it with just anyone. Do you know anyone who feels the same way who I could connect with?

This response is vulnerable, while powerfully shifting the focus of the conversation from invasive self-inspection to collaboration. Asking for help finding a relationship that aligns with your values, your standards, and what you want out of a partnership is potentially helpful to you — and it encourages introspection on the part of the asker who has to consider the complexity of finding a match.

“This response is vulnerable, while powerfully shifting the focus of the conversation from invasive self-inspection to collaboration.”

This response sets the tone for the kind of person you’re looking to discover, and establishes that you’re interested in a sincere, romantic experience that goes beyond the typical list of compatible traits like appearance or shared hobbies.

Instead of defending your singleness, you invite the asker into the process with you with this reply. Your sincerity is a powerful tool is dismantling the assumptions of others.

5. A playful response: “I’m not sure if I want a relationship”

Q: Why are you still single? 
A: I’m actually having a pretty good time being single, but if you’ve got someone cute to introduce me to, I’m all ears.

If you’re not sure where your romantic intentions fall or if you’ll ever have any at all, consider redirecting the conversation into lighthearted territory. This allows you to sidestep the dissection of your love life with a dose of cheekiness.

“Sidestep the dissection of your love life with a dose of cheekiness.”

This response comes from relationship coach Matthew Hussey, who advises singles not to give the question “Why are you still single?” too much energy but to spin their response into a playful challenge.

Don’t be surprised if this encourages your conversation partner to open up too. Sometimes sharing our ambivalence inspires the same in others.

No matter if you’re happily solo, looking for a relationship, widowed and healing, asexual, or have sworn off romance entirely, you shouldn’t have to cower at the looming awkwardness when asked, “Why are you still single?”

There are ways to powerfully respond, with your feet firmly rooted in the truth that our life’s timeline is not a problem to fix but a chapter to embrace, and we get to choose how we turn the pages. 

How does this question make you feel when it’s asked? What’s your go-to response? Share it with us in the comments!

Cheyanne Solis is a copywriter relieving entrepreneurs to rest and invest more in what they love. She writes on practical wellness and mindful productivity from the perspective of sustainable work-life balance. Explore her work and connect here.