Am I Less Of A Woman For Not Wanting Children?
āSo, when do you plan on having kids?ā
As a 29-year-old childless woman, this is the question I dread the most. Not just because I know I donāt want children, but because I always feel I have to justify why.
Iāve never been maternalānot even as a little girl. Unlike other girls my age, dolls and pretty dresses werenāt my things. Instead, I liked to climb trees and make mud pies with the neighborhood boys. But not because I fancied themāI saw myself as one of them. And for a glorious few hours every evening after school, I could bask in the feeling of being free from the pressures of gender stereotypes, just for a little while.
“Telling friends and family that having children isnāt for me has left me with a crushing sense of failure, guilt, and disappointment.”
That feeling never really left me, despite how hard I tried.
Over the years, telling friends and family that having children isnāt for me has left me with a crushing sense of failure, guilt, and disappointment. I donāt grieve for the children Iāll never have. But I mourn for my family. Iām sad for my mom, who will never get to experience the joy of being a grandmother to her daughterās children. Iām equally sad that my family still thinks Iāll change my mind.
Donāt get me wrongāI wish I wanted kids. I really mean that. Today, whenever I see a newborn baby, I imagine my life as a mother. But instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of longing and maternal love, I panic at the idea of having to keep a fragile human being alive for so long.
But itās not just that. For me, having children would draw too much attention to my gender. Iām proud to be a woman, but Iāve fully embraced my tomboyish sideāthe side that likes hanging out with the guys and kicking about in baggy clothes.
You see, society seems to like women who spend a lot of time on their appearance. If youāre preened and groomed and plucked to perfection, thereās a perception that youāll do better in life. This belief extends to motherhood. To be at the top of the pile, women need to work like they donāt have children and raise children as if they didnāt work. Why, then, arenāt men subjected to the same double-standards?
“To be at the top of the pile, women need to work like they donāt have children and raise children as if they didnāt work.”
Which makes me wonder; am I less of a woman for not wanting children? Does abandoning the idea of motherhood denounce my femininity?
Unfortunately, there are so many assumptions that come with not wanting children, which has made it so much harder to come to terms with. Society still doesnāt know how to deal with women who donāt want to be mothers. While the term āspinsterā might have had its day, thereās still a stigma that childless women are shallow, self-absorbed, and misguided.
These outdated beliefs make it difficult for women like me to admit we donāt want to be mothers. Until we start to stamp out this taboo, women who donāt want children will continue to be marginalized and misunderstood. And thatās not okay.
Women who donāt want children are amazing in so many ways. We care deeply for our friends and familyādisplaying our maternal instincts by making sure those closest to us are cared for and looked after. Weāre charitable and love to give back where we can. And we value the time we get to spend with our mother friends, as we know how precious their time is.
“Women who donāt want children are amazing in so many ways.”
Thereās a part of me thatās worried Iāll regret my decision later in life. What if I get to my 50s and suddenly realize Iāve made a terrible mistakeāone that I canāt reverse? Years of being told, āyouāll be lonely when youāre older,ā and āyouāll have no-one to care for you when youāre an old womanā have somewhat taken their toll.
But you know what? Itās okay for women to change their minds about having children. Itās nobodyās business whether we change our minds or not. Weāre not hurting anyone, and we certainly donāt have to justify our decisions.
Not wanting children doesnāt make me any less of a woman; it just makes me a woman.
Lorna McGachie is a freelance copywriter and digital content executive based in the UK. As an English graduate, sheās passionate about storytelling and making content more accessible and fun. Sheās also a keen skier whoās interested in living a more sustainable lifestyle.
