Some people get lucky — they’re set up by friends, or better yet, fall for someone who started as a friend. But for the rest of us, dating can feel like an impossible order: Meet up with strangers and somehow find “the one.”

Whether you’re swiping on apps or meeting someone out in the world, the weight of that intention — I’m here to fall in love, to find my person — can make it hard to just be yourself. Suddenly, you’re not showing up the way you would with a friend. You’re bringing your manifestation checklist to the table, mentally scanning for deal-breakers, hoping this is *the person* so you can finally stop dating. You’re carrying fear, or wearing armor from past relationships. Your inner child — the one who just wants to be loved and chosen — shows up uninvited.

“Whether you’re swiping on apps or meeting someone out in the world, the weight of that intention — I’m here to fall in love, to find my person — can make it hard to just be yourself.”

Dating can pull us out of ourselves and into a state of chasing, performing, interviewing and judging. It’s harder to be authentic when you have an agenda. And the irony is — it’s our authenticity that’s going to be a match for someone else’s.

The goal isn’t to get everyone to like you. It’s to show up clearly enough as yourself that you can actually tell if you like them. Because wholeness and confidence are magnetic. Lack and desperation repel.

So how do you show up to dating in a way that actually feels like you — and attracts what’s meant for you?

The finding a balance in dating

I started dating when I was 14. In high school in the early 2000s, someone would ask “Will you go out with me?” — which didn’t mean going anywhere but the cafeteria. I remember “going out” with a few boys I hardly knew and didn’t really like. After a few weeks, I’d work up the courage to tell them I didn’t want to go out anymore.

I started to wonder: What would it feel like if I actually liked someone? I began to understand the importance of not just taking what came my way, but instead choosing something that felt good. I wanted to be with someone who felt like a friend — someone deep but lighthearted, fun, creative, and adventurous.

“I began to understand the importance of not just taking what came my way, but instead choosing something that felt good.”

When I was 16, I met someone who hit these marks — my first boyfriend. Someone I really loved, someone who felt like a soulmate. We were obsessed with each other. We wrote love letters to each other at summer camp that, looking back, made us cringe. It was so sweet, and felt so serious. But when it was time to go to college, we realized that even though we loved each other — we were young. We both wanted to have new dating experiences, to flirt, have fun, meet new people, and learn more about ourselves through the process. 

Throughout my 20s, I did a lot of dating “for the plot.” I said yes to dates with all kinds, was curious, open-minded, and genuinely enjoyed getting to know people. Even more than that, I loved theatrically retelling my dating stories to friends and family. My dating mentality wasn’t serious — it was fun. And opportunities to date kept flowing… because free, playful, open energy is attractive.

But somewhere along the way, I lost that lesson from high school: What did I actually want? When I turned 30 and started to yearn for true partnership, it was time to get clear again — and learn to combine that free, expansive sense of fun with some non-negotiables.

As I’ve moved into a more intentional dating era, I’ve kept my lighthearted nature. And as I watch some of my peers wrestle with stringent, unrealistic expectations — showing up ready to eliminate someone for missing one quality on their list instead of enjoying the experience — I’ve seen how important it is to balance open-heartedness with your standards. Otherwise, you’ll just be constantly let down.

“It’s a balancing act — enjoying the journey while still having an eye toward what you want.”

It’s the combination of these qualities that helps you show up with confidence and presence, and become a magnet for new dates. You can’t be too casual, and you also can’t be too rigid. It’s a balancing act — enjoying the journey while still having an eye toward what you want.

I’m by no means an expert, but after 18 years of dating, here are the most important lessons I’ve learned so far.

The energy you bring shapes what shows up

You can feel the difference between someone who believes life is happening for them instead of to them. They’re kinder, lighter, warmer. You’d much rather talk to this person at a party than someone who’s always complaining about how nothing works out.

Here’s the thing: People who look for the good tend to find it. People who expect everything to go badly get that same confirmation.

Each day, you have a new chance to adopt this energy — to remember that you are the creator of your own experience, and that miracles happen in an instant. A new friend, opportunity, or relationship could walk into the coffee shop while you’re in line. But the question is: Will you have your eyes open?

“Remember that you are the creator of your own experience, and that miracles happen in an instant.”

Cultivating this open, attractive energy is an important piece of dating. And it won’t only make you more magnetic — it will improve your life overall. Nothing is more attractive than someone who feels happy and whole.

Ask yourself: If I knew my soulmate was coming — that they’d show up at the right time, and I’d be really happy — how would that change my energy today? Would I be more present? Would I enjoy right now instead of rushing into the future or worrying they’d never come?

What’s meant for you will eventually show up. When you live like you already know that, you become an energetic match for it.

So check your energy… how have you been showing up lately? Does anything need to shift?

Get clear on what you want — and trust it exists

Getting clear doesn’t mean creating an impossible checklist. It means knowing your non-negotiables — the things that actually matter to you — and releasing the things that don’t.

For me, I realized I wanted someone who felt like a best friend. Someone who was on my level, like we’re growing at the same pace. I wanted someone creative, fun, entrepreneurial, emotionally available, deep and reflective, honest, confident, spiritual, and rooted in themselves. I wanted to feel seen, supported, and like we were building something together. And I really wanted to be laughing.

When you know what you want, you stop wasting time on connections that were never going to work. You stop talking yourself into people who don’t feel right just because they’re available. You stop settling.

But here’s the key: You have to hold your clarity with trust, not fear. If you’re gripping your list tightly because you’re terrified you’ll never find it, that’s desperation — and desperation is just not hot. But if you know what you want and trust that it’s out there, you can stay open and discerning at the same time.

“You have to hold your clarity with trust, not fear.”

Ask yourself: What do I actually want? How do I want to feel? And do I trust that it exists?

If the answer to that last question is no, look for proof that it’s possible. Find people in your life who have relationships where they didn’t settle — friends, couples you admire, even people you follow online. Let them be evidence that if they could have it, so can you.

Stop performing, start connecting

Here’s where the rubber meets the road: You’re sitting across from someone, and suddenly all that clarity and open energy you cultivated feels like it’s evaporating. You’re second-guessing everything you say. You’re trying to be impressive. You’re performing.

I’ve been there. I’ve shown up to dates wondering if I was funny enough, interesting enough, pretty enough. I’ve caught myself trying to say the right thing instead of the true thing. And every time I’ve done that, the date has felt flat — even if the person seemed great on paper.

“I’ve caught myself trying to say the right thing instead of the true thing. And every time I’ve done that, the date has felt flat — even if the person seemed great on paper.”

The shift happens when you stop trying to be liked and start seeing if you like them.

Treat your date the way you’d treat a new friend. Be curious. Ask questions. Listen to their answers. Notice what lights them up. See if you’re enjoying the conversation, or if you’re just checking boxes.

Go like you have everything to give, and nothing to lose. Bring your energy to the table. Be present. Make eye contact. Laugh if something’s funny. Share what’s true for you. This isn’t about impressing them — it’s about creating a real moment of connection and seeing what’s there.

And here’s the thing: If you wouldn’t want to be friends with this person, it’s a no. Romantic chemistry without genuine liking is a dead end. You’re looking for someone you’d actually want to spend time with — someone whose company you enjoy, whose perspective you’re curious about, whose energy feels good to be around.

Focus on the experience, not the outcome. You’re not here to lock down a second date or figure out if they’re “the one” in the first hour. You’re here to see if this moment feels good. Does the conversation flow? Is there kinetic energy between you? Do you feel like yourself, or are you contorting into someone you think they’d like?

“Focus on the experience, not the outcome.”

One more thing: Stop projecting. Don’t stalk their social media beforehand. Don’t compare them to your ex. Don’t run their astrological birth chart and decide they’re emotionally unavailable before you’ve even met them. Show up with fresh eyes and meet the person in front of you — not the story you’ve already written about them.

After the date: Trust your gut, not your anxiety

So the date’s over. Now what?

This is where a lot of people spiral. They replay every moment, analyzing what went wrong or right. They text their friends a play-by-play. They check their phone every five minutes to see if the other person reached out. They try to logic their way into certainty.

But here’s what I’ve learned: Your body already knows.

Did you feel energized after the date, or drained? Did you feel like yourself, or like you were performing the whole time? Did the conversation flow, or did you have to work for it? Did you feel excited to see them again, or relieved that it was over?

“The question is: Are you listening to your gut, or to your anxiety?”

Your gut will tell you. The question is: Are you listening to your gut, or to your anxiety?

Anxiety sounds like: But they seemed nice! Maybe I’m being too picky. What if I never meet anyone else? I should give them another chance.

Intuition sounds like: That didn’t feel right. I wasn’t excited. Something was off.

Learn the difference. And trust what you know.

I recently started dating someone, and for the first time, I’m not wondering, worrying, or rushing into the future. My nervous system feels relaxed and at peace. Before this, I’d been in on-again, off-again dynamics that left me second-guessing myself. Only now, with this new connection, can I see how those past relationships were never quite right. Sometimes you don’t know what was missing until you finally experience what it feels like when it’s there.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. And that’s not rejection — it’s just not a fit. For either of you. You’re not doing them a favor by forcing something that doesn’t feel aligned. You’re both looking for a connection that feels like home, and if this isn’t it, the kindest thing you can do is keep moving. ✨

Remember: It’s all for your growth.

“You can be lighthearted and intentional.”

Even the “nos” are teaching you something. At the end of the day, it’s a balancing act. You can be lighthearted and intentional. You can be open and have standards. You can enjoy getting to know new people and walk away when it’s not right.

When you trust yourself and the timing of your life — that’s when the right person can actually find you. And until then? Enjoy the plot.

Grace Abbott is a LA-based freelance Brand & Marketing Strategist and a Contributing Editor at The Good Trade. She has a degree in Graphic Design from Parsons School of Design and is the founder of How To Go Freelance — a brand dedicated to empowering creatives to monetize their skills and build personal brands. Beyond work, she’s always studying a new spiritual modality, painting her bedroom a new color, practicing Pilates, hosting friends, or going on a nature walk with her chihuahua, Donnie. Find her on Substack or Instagram.