Do You Schedule Sex With Your Partner?
“Hey Siri, remind me to have sex this week”
I’ve never been one to schedule much of anything in my life. I pride myself on my Rolodex-like memory and cranial capacity. Planners? Too bulky! Phone calendar? Ugh, can’t I just put the device down for five minutes? I’d rather store it all in a place I’ve been stuck with since birth.
When it comes to scheduling sex, I really can’t think of anything less sexy. To me, scheduling sex is akin to making a routine dentist appointment, getting the oil changed in my car, or any other mundane activity that’s decidedly boring (necessary, but boring nonetheless). It makes physical intimacy seem like a chore. Besides, how often are you meant to schedule it? And are you scheduling sex itself, or just intimate time together?
We’re taught the narrative that sex needs to be spontaneous to be fun. Watch any rom-com or sitcom and you’ll know that sex just “happens.” It’s effortless, spontaneous, and perfectly romantic—even if you just bumped into the person at the grocery store (a la ”Modern Love”).
It got me thinking: Do other people find the idea of scheduling one-on-one time with their partners laborious? Am I alone in thinking that this feels like a chore?
I’ll admit, I don’t have the worry of kids, pets, or plans to get in the way—especially in 2020, where plans ceased to exist after March 15th. I’m not married and I’m pretty young; I’ve only been sexually active for nine years. My experience is exactly that: mine. And sex is so personal. I want to honor that others have different schedules, commitments, and ways to get “in the mood”.
Sex is not always as simple as suggestively telling your partner they should go to bed early. Sometimes, as I learned by pulling my blinders back and reading articles like this one, it does require scheduling. Different bodies take different steps to warm up, meaning that sometimes, preparation is necessary for sex.
With all these curious questions running through my mind, I thought it’d be best to ask our readers for their input. So I took to the internet. Here are what some of our beloved TGT readers had to say.
“Are you in a long-term relationship? Do you schedule sex with your partner? Why or why not?”
“A” is married and schedules sex.
“My husband and I schedule sex for two reasons:
We both have low hormone levels.
Since about four years ago, I suffer from vaginismus (involuntary muscle spasms of the pelvic floor muscles), which causes pain during sex.
If we didn’t schedule sex, we’d rarely be intimate. We’ve been together for 10 years and happily married for eight years. This is the only area in our marriage that takes real work. Spontaneous sex doesn’t give me time to prepare in order to lessen the pain. To help with the pain, I’ve learned different techniques from internal therapy that I can do beforehand.“
“E” is in a five-year open relationship and doesn’t schedule sex.
“I’m a very organised person and schedule a lot of my regular day-to-day life, but for me, sex cannot be scheduled; I think it turns into a chore and the fun is taken out of it, [but] this also depends on what you refer to as schedule. If you sit down and agree that 8 p.m. each Monday night is sex time, then I don’t think that works […] There would be an expectation that, because it was scheduled, I couldn’t change my mind or [I would] let my partner down. But what about getting a text from your partner telling them to meet them in the bedroom as soon as you got home? That’s a kind of scheduling that is incredibly sexy and fun.
In my previous (not so healthy) relationship, I was made to feel like I should always want to have sex with my partner and that if I wasn’t “in the mood,” something was wrong. Or I was made to feel like I was punishing him if I didn’t want to sleep with him. This meant I’d be having sex for him and not for us, and then I would fake an orgasm.
My current partner doesn’t make me feel bad if I’m not in the mood and we both openly tell the other person when we don’t want to have sex if the other person is in the mood. There is also no guilt about masturbation (which I did have in my previous relationships). I’ve never felt like I had a duty to have sex with him and I don’t worry about how much sex we “should” be having. For us, I think we work so well together because we just do what feels right for us and that changes constantly.”
“K” is in a two-year(ish) relationship and “kind of” schedules sex.
“We don’t necessarily schedule a specific time, but I like a heads-up. I prefer this because I like to shower and feel fresh before we have sex! It may be a bizarre personal preference—and my boyfriend could absolutely not care less—but it helps me to feel more confident and sexy. Not to say we never have spontaneous sex, but if I know he’s in the ~mewd~ I like to kind of plan it so I can wear something cute and have fresh armpits. 😂”
“R” is in a long-term relationship and schedules date nights.
“We’ve never scheduled sex, specifically. We’re very open with one another; we have discussed the possibility of scheduling sex and have agreed that it feels like it puts too much pressure on both of us if we feel like we have to have sex. Sometimes we just want to hang out and be together, doing something like watching a movie or exploring one another without feeling like sex itself is required.
What we do schedule are cooking nights, but those nights don’t require sex (although they often lead to sex organically). We’re both super busy (I’m a therapist and yoga instructor, he owns his own photography studio). We both love to cook, so scheduling cooking nights gives us a chance to spend time together, doing something we love.
And for the sake of authenticity, I’ve just asked my partner (“D”) and he has confirmed that we have a healthy and happy sex life. 😉“
“K” has been married for six years and plans when initiating sex.
“My husband doesn’t find it sexy if it’s planned. I sometimes plan when I’m going to initiate sex based on personal things like where I am in my cycle (I’m more turned-on certain days), when I have shaved or waxed, etc., but this is just for me—I don’t plan it out with my husband. I can plan when I want to initiate sex because I know he won’t say no ☺️. And if he initiates and I’m not in the mood, it’s always okay.”
“R” is a long-term relationship and doesn’t schedule sex.
“I think [not scheduling] works because it makes it more authentic somehow; I just feel like it still keeps the spark alive! I do sometimes think it would be nice to schedule because sometimes I think we don’t have sex enough, especially lately, just because we are exhausted and doing other things. But I think I would feel like it was another chore if it was scheduled. Once in a while, we will say that we haven’t had sex in a while, and then it’ll happen sometime soon around then, but never [directly] “Okay, Monday at 7?” I think [not scheduling] allows our relationship to continue to grow organically and without restraint.”
We thoroughly enjoyed reading everyone’s responses. The subject of sex is still taboo, with many adults finding they need a re-education, so we hope that regardless of personal preference, you’ve learned about someone else’s story—or even reconsidered your own.
Do you schedule sex? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments!
Alyssa Julian is the Social Media Lead at The Good Trade. She’s LA born and raised, and when she’s not scrolling her phone for the latest trends, she can be found at the farmers’ market, camping out of the back of her Subaru, or searching for adoptable dogs on Petfinder. If she’s not off-grid for the weekend, try looking for her at her home studio, where she’s probably making cups for a new coffee shop. Say hi on Instagram! 👋