When Sex Doesn’t Feel Spontaneous Anymore

Ravenous. Spontaneous. This is how sex was for my now-husband and me before we tied the knot a few years ago. Since then, our physical relationship has changed. While our desire for sex hasn’t dwindled, the way we approach it has shifted—as is common when life changes occur.

Physical touch has always been my most prominent love language; even the smallest gestures of embrace— handholding, back rubs, a morning kiss, hugs—fulfill me. But outside of the simple act of physical touch, sex and intimacy can take a bit more planning, especially when adjusting to new schedules, going through transition, or even when trying for a baby.

“Sex is always a delicate dance, one where we’re growing and learning (and re-learning) the language.”

No matter the season of life though, sex is always a delicate dance, one where we’re growing and learning (and re-learning) the language. The key is to embrace it all and allow the changes to unfold with ease. We can remain open to communication with our partners and adjust our approaches when necessary.

Here are practices we use to keep sex alive (and even spontaneous!) in our marriage:

The Calendar Is Your Friend

Early on in our marriage, we noticed the spontaneity was not happening as often; there seemed to be a mental shift that occurred when we realized we now had our whole lives together to have sex. The need no longer felt immediate as the whims of dating melted away. We also settled into new routines while trying to build a life together.

“For us, this looks like setting aside time on the calendar every couple of weeks for romantic evenings.”

While this won’t be the case for everyone, some of us need to make time for sex in our relationships, or even schedule it. For us, this looks like setting aside time on the calendar every couple of weeks for romantic evenings. These can include a nice dinner, a massage, soothing music, and candles. We also love to explore tantric sex, a more meditative practice for exploring deeper intimacy.

Try Pleasure-Enhancing Tools

Sometimes sex can feel like a chore and even become mundane—which is why we love to shake things up and have fun together! Lube and sex toys are two great tools for this.

Before marriage, I didn’t use lube. I didn’t understand the point and thought it would take away from spontaneous sex. But after my husband and I tried it for the first time, there was no turning back. We’re now big believers in the power of lube and its ability to enliven closeness and intimacy. (Here are a few natural and nontoxic options.)

“Marriage has taught me the importance of fun and playfulness when it comes to intimacy.”

Sex toys also add an essence of play to our relationship. While for years I thought sex was only about “making love,” marriage has taught me the importance of fun and playfulness when it comes to intimacy. Especially after being in a relationship with someone for a long time, a lighthearted spirit can add an element of innocence and help keep things feeling new.

Go Away Together

This may not be true for everyone, but my husband and I love adventures, and escaping to a new place is an important part of our intimacy. An unfamiliar environment always feels romantic to us—even if it’s just hiking or camping in your backyard (outdoor sex can be fun!). We find that changing our environment allows us to feel present with one another in ways we might be not able to in our everyday life.

“Changing our environment allows us to feel present with one another.”

Travel and weekend getaways look a little different these days. When considering a trip away, it doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a day trip or a drive. The goal is to get out of your usual surroundings and seek out inspiration together.

Create Space For Intimacy In Your Home

Observe the bedroom you share with your partner. Does it feel like a clean and romantic space or more of a family room? It’s easy to fall into the habit of sleeping with pets or children. This is completely okay, but sometimes it’s nice to have privacy.

My husband and I work together to keep our bedroom feeling comfortable and like our own space, which helps us relax and focus on our relationship. Simple changes to a bedroom like adding mood lighting, scented candles, or a special drawer for pleasure accessories help to keep the room you share feeling special.

“Stay present, gentle, and patient with one another as you explore. Remember, you’re on a journey together.”

Whether you’re married or in a long-term relationship, experiment with what works for you and your partner. Stay present, gentle, and patient with one another as you explore. Remember, you’re on a journey together. Try to have fun, and don’t put too much pressure on making it perfect! There is no one right way to have sex. What’s most important is discovering what works best for you.

Has sex changed for you because of a recent life change? I’d love to hear about your experience and thoughts in the comments below!

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Courtney Jay is a writer at The Good Trade. She is also a yoga instructor, health enthusiast, and sustainable fashion advocate. She believes the most powerful way to nurture the planet is to nurture ourselves. You can find more of her writing and take one of her online yoga classes on her website Coincide.