I was in my late 20s when one of my best friends, Kristin, suffered a miscarriage. She was 12 weeks along and had long wanted to be pregnant. 

I didn’t know how to respond, unsure of what to say or how to say it. With few friends who’d explored pregnancy and parenthood, I knew little about ovulation thermometers, gestational diabetes, and breast pumps—and I knew nothing about miscarriages. I felt helpless when all I wanted was to be there for someone who’d always been there for me.

“I felt helpless when all I wanted was to be there for someone who’d always been there for me.”

“What kind of gift or sentiment can I share with her?” I texted an older friend who’d once been in my shoes. She suggested a bereavement gift that included a different form of life my friend could nurture, like a plant.

Eventually, I called Kristin to express my condolences and to ask what she needed, careful to avoid any triggering phrases. I waited another week and then sent a succulent sympathy gift, hoping to remind my friend how she (and her baby) were so deeply loved past that tragic moment.

“I had no clue if what I did or said was the right call—that’s the unfortunate reality around such a taboo yet common topic.”

I had no clue if what I did or said was the right call—that’s the unfortunate reality around such a taboo yet common topic. Miscarriages may happen in more than 30 percent of pregnancies according to some research and can occur for various reasons, including abnormal chromosomes, genetics, and maternal health issues. There are various types of miscarriage, including complete or incomplete miscarriage and threatened miscarriage.

When trying to support a loved one and figuring out what to say, it’s important to keep this all in mind. Luckily, Kristin was also willing to share about her experience and how we can support loved ones when a miscarriage happens.

What To Say (And Do)

In the immediate aftermath of a loss, the two most common responses pregnant people hear are variations of “it’ll happen for you one day” and “at least…” statements. For example, “at least you know you can get pregnant!” or “at least it was early.” Unfortunately, while these statements are well-natured, they tend to invalidate or minimize your loved one’s grief. 

“The reason behind my deepest grief was that I had a child that was alive and then died. And while I am so excited for my rainbow baby, this child is their own separate person, just as my last one was,” shares Kristin. “It was more helpful to have the life of my baby and my grief acknowledged.” 

“A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss, and I am thinking of you” can go a long way.”

A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss, and I am thinking of you” can go a long way. This piece outlines a few additional ways we can be there for grieving friends and family, including questions to ask or how to set up regular check-ins.

“Think about practical support you can offer, too, like bringing them to appointments, taking care of housework, or providing meals.”

After a miscarriage occurs, it’s as much as a physical transition as it is an emotional one. Kristin recalls, “My first week after my D&C surgery, I felt like I didn’t have a lot of emotional space to process because I was dealing with recovery, painful cramps, bleeding, and getting a fever at one point.” Compound this physical recovery with postpartum depression that up to 45 percent of pregnant people face, and it can be incredibly tough to handle.

So think about practical support you can offer, too, like bringing them to appointments, taking care of housework, or providing meals. Taking on these tasks—alongside traditional sympathy gifts like cards or flowers—serves as physical reminders of the love and support surrounding them during this challenging time.

Ask What They Need (Or Don’t)

In the weeks after, you may feel unsure of what to do next. The best way to get your answer? Ask. (And yes, it’s okay to!) Everyone has their own way of processing.

“The best way to get your answer? Ask.”

If you and your friend are close, ask how they would like further support, whether physically or emotionally. Ask if they want to talk about the experience or if they’d rather not. Ask about their emotional bandwidth or preferred boundaries. You can start by saying something like, “How are you doing? I want to be mindful of how I can best support you at this time.”

Consider asking what times of day you should reach out, too. Checking in when your loved one is busy or preoccupied can set back their day as they try to push through the grief. In Kristin’s experience, she was grateful her friends and family reached out, but some days, she was too emotionally or physically drained to respond. She most appreciated when people texted that “they were thinking of me and there if I wanted to talk, but that it was also okay if I didn’t have space to respond that day or while I was at work.”

Alternatively, maybe you’re not as close anymore and you’re learning about their loss from social media or a mutual connection. Sliding directly into their DMs may not feel as appropriate. Perhaps you can reach out to your loved one’s family members to ask how you can best support them, or where to mail a bereavement card or gift.

“Reach out to your loved one’s family members to ask how you can best support them, or where to mail a bereavement card or gift.”

And especially for those who are also expecting or with children, be particularly sensitive and aware of their boundaries. A grieving friend or family member may no longer be your “go-to” person to talk about parenthood with. This doesn’t mean holding back on refraining from sharing happy news, but we can be more sensitive with wording. 

Most importantly, be there as best you can, whether that’s only listening or offering to find support groups or a therapist to turn to. Popular online resources can include Facebook groups, Zoe Clarke-Coates of Saying Goodbye, and Dr. Jessica Zucker of @ihadamiscarriage.

Remember non-pregnant people need support as well—like partners, kids, and other family members. Send them a little love, too.

Sometimes there won’t be anything to say or do. Just being there can make all the difference.

Help Break The Stigma

There are also long-term ways we can support those who’ve miscarried, especially advocacy.

Though nearly one in five birthing people will go through pregnancy loss, we often don’t hear about it. For those who prefer to keep their experience private, that’s completely valid! But for others, they may not feel comfortable or “allowed” to discuss a “taboo” topic.

Kristin, who is a social worker and counselor, reminds me, “We don’t hesitate to talk about other forms of grief, and it’s a shame that people treat miscarriage differently. It’s hard to feel like you’re not supposed to talk about it, when you want the support.”

“As a society, we don’t just avoid talking about it; we largely avoid addressing it at all.”

And as a society, we don’t just avoid talking about it; we largely avoid addressing it at all—whether through the lack of inclusive bereavement policies at work or abiding by the “12-week rule” and not sharing about pregnancies until after the first trimester.

One way we can help break the stigma is by approaching the conversation externally, outside of your relationship altogether (like advocating for policy change within boardrooms or offices). Consider proposing bereavement policy changes to include pregnancy loss, outlining both the physical and emotional tolls pregnant people face. Fight back against unjust laws that criminalize miscarriage and speak with your local reps. If your community (in the workplace, in a religious setting, etc.) shares condolences for losses, ensure that they’re inclusive of all losses.

“For your loved one long-term, try to check in often.”

For your loved one long-term, try to check in often. This is particularly important in the following months, on the anniversary of the loss, or other times that seem challenging like the holidays. Remind them that while the experience may feel lonely, they’re never alone.

The loss of any life is devastating, and our hearts go out to anyone who’s grieving. We all need support during loss and trauma. 

If you have a loved one who has experienced a miscarriage, may these tips help you thoughtfully reach out to them, so they can feel supported, loved, and seen.

Henah Velez (she/her) is the Senior Editor at Money with Katie at Morning Brew, as well as a writer at The Good Trade. She holds a Master’s in Social Entrepreneurship and is a proud Rutgers grad. Originally from NJ, Henah’s now in the Bay Area where she loves shopping small, hanging with her pets, or traveling.