“The worst thing they can do is say no.”

Growing up anxious, this oft-repeated sentence never resonated with me. To me, “no” was never just a closed door. It felt like a reflection of what everyone thought of me. Or, what I imagined they were thinking of me.

“It felt like a reflection of what everyone thought of me. Or, what I imagined they were thinking of me.”

Whether it was romantic, academic, or, later on, career-related rejection, each “no” triggered the deep, hot burn of humiliation. As shame flooded my body, so did every negative thought I ever had about myself. Despite the valid reasons for whatever rejection I was facing, I internalized it as an affirmation of my deepest fears.

So, after doing everything I could to prevent this feeling in my life, why am I seeking it out now?

What is rejection therapy?

Rejection therapy is a form of exposure therapy that has recently gained traction on many corners of the internet. The concept is simple: Get rejected as much as possible. While this sounds intimidating, it can help you rewire your brain, get you closer to your goals, and become more confident.

But don’t confuse it with therapy.

“To be clear, the online game called Rejection Therapy is not an evidence-based therapy practiced by licensed clinicians,” says Dr. Peter W. Tuerk, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and Professor at the University of Virginia. “It is a self-help resource. I’m not aware of any clinical trials demonstrating it to be effective; however, the basic principle behind it is sound. That is, facing fears that aren’t actually dangerous can help one overcome those fears.”

“The basic principle behind it is sound. That is, facing fears that aren’t actually dangerous can help one overcome those fears.”

– Dr. Peter W. Tuerk, Ph.D

The online game Dr. Tuerk references was invented by Jason Comely, who started looking for ways to force himself to face his own fear of rejection. He turned it into a card game, and then it took off online where social media did what it does best and turned it into a trend.

Dr. Tuerk continued, “As a clinical psychologist, therapist, and therapist trainer in evidence-based treatments, I became intrigued with this pop culture game because it incorporates some basic tenants of what psychologists call exposure therapy, which is a group of therapies used to treat anxiety-spectrum disorders, such as social phobia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”

Social media, especially, has taken to this trend as the latest self-help and self-improvement challenge. But for me, this goes beyond “mental toughness.” From a psychological standpoint, the issue is complicated. There are a variety of reasons why a rejection scenario might be avoided, and certain people might benefit from exposure to them while others wouldn’t.

Why I’m experimenting with rejection

I started trying this approach when I realized that, while I thought I was confident and self-aware, I had crafted an unchallenging life where I wasn’t being rejected because I wasn’t trying anything new. When I heard about rejection therapy, it shook something deep in my core by forcing me to realize that, due to that childhood fear of rejection, I had created a life that was pretty much obstacle-free.

On the surface level, a convenient, safe life might not seem like a red flag. I had even justified my stringent devotion to “protecting my peace” as a way of healing my inner child. I deserve a safe, predictable life, I told myself while constructing a life without challenges — or any opportunities for rejection. And while I still believe this, I realized I had run too far in the opposite direction. When I took a real look at my life, I was forced to confront the fact that I was at a fixed point and, if I didn’t change anything, I would stay there.

“When I took a real look at my life, I was forced to confront the fact that I was at a fixed point and, if I didn’t change anything, I would stay there.”

Despite its name, rejection therapy is not a clinical form of therapy, so I couldn’t rely on the standard mental health resources. Instead, on my quest to find out more about rejection therapy and what it could offer me, I discovered Jia Jiang’s “100 Days of Rejection Program” and accompanying TED Talk. Quite simply, he set himself 100 challenges to face 100 days of rejection and it changed his life. (Jiang also now owns and operates Comely’s original Rejection Therapy, which he has expanded considerably.)

Jiang’s rejection list offers challenges from asking strangers for compliments and exchanging secrets with them to lofty, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities like skydiving or interviewing former President Barack Obama. Filming all of his interactions on the internet quickly made him a viral sensation. His story is incredible, but the most exciting aspect for me is how rapidly he began to change. Not materially, but his perspective.

“I found if I just don’t run if I got rejected, I could actually turn a ‘no’ into a ‘yes,’” Jiang shared in his TED Talk. “The magic word is ‘why.’”

Moving from rejection to connection

Through all this research, the promise of what awaited me at the end of this journey was the most intriguing. Could I really become a more active participant in my life — and in the world — just by learning to take a “no?”

“Could I really become a more active participant in my life — and in the world — just by learning to take a ‘no?'”

Part of me was embarrassed at the thought. It felt childish to be so averse to rejection. It made me feel spoiled and entitled. Did I really think I was above being rejected? Had I been so coddled as a child that I had to deal with this now? Of course, that was the anxiety trying to get me to burrow away in defeat. After furiously journaling about it, I realized that I had been told “no” so much without context, reason, or ever asking “why.” Left to make my own conclusions, I formed a narrative about myself that stuck.

By seeking “why,” Jiang often found new opportunities or left with a more enriching interaction. For my life, this could be revelatory, I thought. Instead of sitting with my shame and further cementing negative neural pathways, I could open myself up to feedback, opportunity, and connection.

How leaning into rejection has changed me

I knew I didn’t want to imitate Jiang’s approach completely. Unlike Jiang, whose challenge led him to perform random acts in pursuit of rejection, I wanted to try a more focused version. I’m a Capricorn cusp, after all.

I took the basics of rejection therapy and applied it to the areas of my life that felt most stagnant. Ready or not, I was going to shake them loose — even if I had to reacquaint myself with that burn of humiliation that the internet now dubs “cringe.” Maybe on the other side, I would find connection.

The areas of my life that felt most obstructed by my fear of rejection were my career and social life. So, to give my efforts some direction, I set daily goals.

“I made a list of publications and old connections to pitch and forced myself to send a pitch a day.”

In my career, I was satisfied with my job because all I had to do was exactly what I was told — and I knew I could do it well. As a writer, I was in the unique position of having long-term contracts, with new opportunities occasionally blossoming through my network. In other words, I didn’t have to put myself out there at all. But for freelance writers, that’s part of the game. So, I made a list of publications and old connections to pitch and forced myself to send a pitch a day.

For most writers, this process might be tedious, but it shouldn’t fill them with insurmountable dread as it does for me. The first few emails were excruciating. Even though, to shield myself from the pain of facing a rejection I wasn’t ready for (it was early days!), I created a whole new email address so I would only open it when I was braced for what I would (or wouldn’t) find. 

I was surprised when I started looking forward to checking my email — and that was before the good news started pouring in. Yes, I was met with mostly rejections. But instead of sinking into my shame, I used them as an opportunity to connect with new people, create relationships, and find my way to new opportunities.

So, you’re curious about rejection therapy?

If you’re curious about rejection therapy, Dr. Tuerk says: “My guess is that it is more well-suited to subclinical anxieties (and most of us have such anxieties to some extent). In general, trying to overcome social fears, even if you don’t have a formal anxiety disorder, is generally a good goal to strive for. It can give people the confidence to feel more effective in social situations and to become less avoidant of social or professional opportunities when they arise.”

“It can give people the confidence to feel more effective in social situations and to become less avoidant of social or professional opportunities when they arise.”

– Dr. Peter W. Tuerk, Ph.D

This has definitely been my experience. I wouldn’t say I’m healed. The goal isn’t to eradicate the fear of rejection entirely. The goal is to live in the world — of which rejection is a natural part. To this end, I’ve found I’m more ready for risk in other facets of my life. Amongst new people, I’m bolder. With my friends, I’m more proactive. In my work, I am more excited to face the unknown. To think, it all started with a challenge to send some emails.

Langa Chinyoka is a writer and strategist based in Los Angeles.