Throughout my life, I’ve been told that when you meet “the one,” you share everything with them: Your hopes, your dreams, your home, everything. For years, I lived by that — thinking that if there was friction around this arrangement, there was something wrong with the relationship, or maybe worse…something wrong with me. 

Years later — and a few more relationships into my adult life — I began to realize that this thinking was misguided. The more I matured, the more I realized that there are many ways to be in a relationship, and many ways to create healthy infrastructures within it, together. Sharing everything became sharing some things, on my relationship’s own terms. In my current relationship, it’s been incredibly refreshing (and empowering!) to create our own rules, one collaborative decision at a time. 

“The more I matured, the more I realized that there are many ways to be in a relationship, and many ways to create healthy infrastructures within it, together.”

So when I happened upon the new “bathroom divorce” trend, I loved the spirit behind it and had to learn more. I began my education in the bathroom divorce with Debbie Weiner, a retired interior designer and successful “bathroom divorcee.” 

“He heard me nagging him for years,” Debbie Weiner said to me, referring to her relationship with her husband. But it wasn’t about communication, or quality time, or even sex that was giving her so much anxiety and putting stress on her 30 years of marriage: It was their bathroom. 

“It wasn’t about communication, or quality time, or even sex that was giving her so much anxiety and putting stress on her 30 years of marriage: It was their bathroom.“

“Using the same toilet with my husband was just something. I couldn’t bear it. It was unpleasant, disgusting,” she said. So when Weiner and her husband did some home remodeling, she had an idea. “He needs a toilet. I need a toilet. He needs a sink. I need a sink. He needs a shower. I need a tub. I didn’t want to have to walk where he had already been. And that completely solved our problems.”

Though she wasn’t familiar with the term at the time, Weiner was a trailblazer in the “bathroom divorce” trend that reached my own consciousness through TikTok (of course). In it, couples are recommitting to living their best lives…in completely separate bathrooms. “We are by no means interested in actually divorcing,” explains Dana Martin, who has been a bathroom divorcee since 2020. “Having my own bathroom and privacy for personal reasons is worth it for my mental happiness.”

To those new to the idea of a bathroom divorce, I understand that inclusion of the word “divorce” is somewhat…misleading. To clarify, bathroom divorces don’t include a traditional divorce or a breakup, but a recommitment to sharing space — and not sharing space — in one’s home. 

“Bathroom divorces don’t include a traditional divorce or a breakup, but a recommitment to sharing space — and not sharing space — in one’s home.”

“For years, my wife and I shared the only bathroom we had,” said Redditor Due-Season6425. ”She is messy and has tons of beauty products that she likes to keep close at hand. Over the years, I got so sick of it. She’d promise to do better. Spoiler: She didn’t. When we decided to buy a home, I insisted on two baths. Let me tell you, the second bathroom will set you free. It’s amazing how it reduced the tension level in our marriage. I highly recommend it.”

The definition of a “bathroom divorce” itself is relatively straightforward: When a couple who shared a bathroom at one point effectively “breaks up,” …but only to the extent of their joint use of a bathroom. The couple splits up their bathroom belongings, toiletries, and decorations and takes over their own designated bathrooms, which they can make completely their own. This could include their own separate designs, separate levels of cleanliness, differing fixtures, and separate accessories. Each bathroom would be a completely private space for each partner, reflecting the culture and concerns of the individual, under their own completely separate sets of rules from one another. Think “sleep divorce,” (where couples sleep in different bedrooms)…but, you know, with bathrooms. 

I’ve struggled with sharing space with a significant other at many points and in many relationships; I think it’s totally normal for couples to have complaints about cleanliness, habits, and priorities. For most bathroom divorces, it began by recognizing their relationship’s evolving need for personal space and increased boundaries, most often brought on by long-term cohabitation. These couples then committed to exploring how to solve their problems and address their needs, all by re-imagining one of the most intimate of home spaces.

“It’s totally normal for couples to have complaints about cleanliness, habits, and priorities.”

For years, Weiner had stressed about her husband’s habits — specifically the treatment of their shared bathroom — and dreamed about a day when she didn’t worry about encountering hair, suds, or even worse. She made this dream a priority when she retired and began her home remodel. “Some people, as they retire, they buy a boat, they take a trip around the world, they finally buy a fancy car and move out of a minivan. None of that appealed to me. I just wanted a safe, clean toilet.”

Coined by New York Post writer (and friend of Wiener’s) Joyce Cohen, the bathroom divorce gained momentum in the past year and a half, with some couples conscientiously “bathroom uncoupling,” and others doing so organically — according to their space, resources, and needs. Still other couples I talked to had (unbeknownst to them or their partners) been “bathroom divorced” for years. “Separate bathrooms became much better for my mental health,” said Redditor CauliflowerLiving305, who realized she had been a bathroom divorcee for many, many years. “Further, I like my privacy.”

Rebecca Stevens, AMFT and Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, reports that a lot of her clients have embraced the bathroom divorce trend, and that she herself supports a little mystery when it comes to bathroom activities. “When you are in a relationship, you learn each other’s quirks, like how many times in a row they sneeze, what side of the bed they sleep on, and whether they eat their sushi with chopsticks or man-handle it,” she says. Bathroom habits might be one piece of trivia about their partners; some prefer being on a need-to-know basis. 

“Bathroom habits might be one piece of trivia about their partners some prefer being on a need-to-know basis.”

Wiener definitely agrees. Once she and her husband settled into their bathroom divorce, she immediately felt removed from the behaviors that caused her grief, and both she and her husband saw dramatic positive results.

From those I talked to, peace, quiet, calm, individual expression, and self-actualization all seemed to be obvious and lasting byproducts of the bathroom divorce. In fact, nobody I talked to had any regrets — most said that the decision improved their lives in many profound and unexpected ways, beyond some of the expected impacts like ease of routine and cleanliness. Many bathroom divorcees even asserted that their bathroom divorce actually strengthened their relational bonds and even improved their overall individual mental health and quality of life — it all sounded pretty good to me. 

“Nobody I talked to had any regrets — most said that the decision improved their lives in many profound and unexpected ways. “

“It’s not only helped our hygiene, but it’s definitely helped our relationship,” Wiener continued. “I can go into the bathroom whenever I want, knowing I’m not going to run into him, and he can do the same. I do think it makes for peace and harmony.”

Stevens — whose practice offers individual, couples, and group therapy — supports the idea that bathroom divorces boost mental health, peacefulness in one’s partnership, and contribute to keeping a relationship fresh and vibrant. “Having separate bathrooms can support individuals’ mental health in many ways,” she says. It isn’t about denying the facts of our bodily functions so much as maintaining a little privacy and space around them. 

Of course, personal happiness and wellness contribute to relational happiness, and vice versa, and the benefits of the bathroom divorce are evident on many levels. But what if you’re interested in the trend, but you might not have the space or resources to conduct your own bathroom divorce, and have to work with the bathroom situation you’ve already got? (Like me, in my cute but space-efficient bath in a half bungalow!) 

“What if you’re interested in the trend but you might not have the space or resources to conduct your own bathroom divorce, and have to work with the bathroom situation you’ve already got?”

“In that case, I think you gotta lay down some ground rules,” Weiner says. Stevens agreed, saying that there are other ways to get the “bathroom divorce” effect, without a pricey home remodel or move. Simulating a “bathroom divorce” with the space you have, she says, can be just as effective. 

“One option is to designate different parts of the bathroom for each partner. The left side of the sink is for one partner and the right is for the other. Divvy up the medicine cabinet. Maybe one shelf is for one partner, another is for the other, and you can share one that has community use, like Band-Aids and aspirin. Same goes for the shower, each partner has their own space and a shared space. In regards to using the toilet, have a lock on the door, a no-knocking policy, and a spray bottle of Poo-Pourri. Is a whiff of vanilla an illusion? Yes. Still better than walking into a hotbox.”

Whatever decisions a couple makes about their shared space, the most important thing is clearly communicating your needs to your partner and making their choices together, in good faith. As many bathroom divorcees add, it just has to work for you — supporting closeness and boundaries, clear, healthy communication, and intimacy. “Relationships are hard, and being a part of a ‘We’ is special. More importantly, being a ‘Me’ is essential,” Stevens said. “I support couples who share a bed even when angry and support them having separate bathrooms to remain happy. It’s ok to keep the magic alive, and having a bathroom divorce might be one key in doing so.”

I, for one, love this trend and in a broader sense, the feeling like my relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s…in the bathroom, or out.

Rebecca Leib is a writer, podcaster, and comedian who’s appeared in the AV Club, Bustle, and Marie Clare. Her writing is in VICE, Reductress, LAist, Los Angelino, LA WEEKLY, Art Etc. and on NatGeo, NBC + NBC Digital, Disney, Investigation Discovery, and CBS. Most recently, she worked as a writer/producer on National Geographic’s “Brain Games” reboot with Keegan Michael Key. Check out her comedy/history podcast, “Ghost Town,” and find her on Instagram and X at @RebeccaLeib.