A group of people meet their friend’s baby for the first time, stroking the mom’s hair to say, “You did it!” Someone next to me tells their table about where Tyler the Creator hangs out in Los Angeles, and follows up shortly after with a recipe for the best broiled chicken. A woman shuffles cards across the room, for longer and louder than you would expect — she is entranced by her partner’s story.

I am people-watching at my favorite third place, a local brewery where I am known by the staff and regulars, and largely unknown outside of that. Being a fly on the wall like this has always been one of my favorite things, because it offers an insight into how other people move, interact, and behave when they don’t believe anyone else is watching.

“Being a fly on the wall offers an insight into how other people move, interact, and behave when they don’t believe anyone else is watching.”

A man passes by the table next to me and sheepishly says “Stephanie?” towards one of the women — she doesn’t respond; he’s mistaken her for somebody else. I catch his eye and we laugh as I tell him I saw the whole thing. I offer a few assurances that it could happen to anyone.

It’s these moments, too, that I crave when I people-watch. Little flashes of interaction, where everyone has their guard down and we can all just bear witness to one another’s humanity. 

In recent years, I’ve begun using people-watching as a tool for self-care; it offers me a chance to unwind and process my own thoughts about the world while absorbing information that isn’t on a screen. As a neurodivergent person, it’s also helped me learn about interpersonal dynamics without the social awkwardness that can sometimes come with putting myself “out there”. In turn, it’s helped me build the confidence to actually start interacting with people in meaningful ways; I can now say several of my friendships originated from people-watching.

This goes beyond my neighborhood, too. Wherever I go, I want to see people in their natural habitats. It doesn’t matter how far away I am from home — in a local coffee shop, in the bathroom at an airport, at a thrift store in a town I’ve never been to.

I like seeing people in their joys and sorrows, perceiving them feels to me like some sort of validation, an invisible and unspoken camaraderie. And vice versa — while I am out in the world people-watching, being perceived by others reminds me that I am interconnected with everyone around me. As an introvert, it sometimes feels like I am an unknown entity, outside of reality, and being around other humans helps me feel…well, more human.

“I like seeing people in their joys and sorrows, perceiving them feels to me like some sort of validation, an invisible and unspoken camaraderie.”

People-watching also helps me generate or refine ideas, a la the shower principle. I can arrive at a cafe with the glimmer of a story or poem idea, and leave with a fleshed-out outline or a few new words to incorporate into my writing. My ears are always open for new names, places, and experiences that are outside of my own understanding. My personal philosophy is that everyone has a story or perspective worth hearing or acknowledging, even if it conflicts with my own. And if I can’t understand it? That’s okay, too. There’s beauty in the disconnect, too.

But people-watching it’s not as simple as sitting down and waiting for something interesting to happen, although that is the gist of it. There are a few tricks and approaches that I’ve found make the whole experience a bit more mindful — and a lot less creepy. 😅 Here’s my unofficial guide to people-watching:


1. Find a safe and interesting place.

While you can technically watch people anywhere there are people, I do have a couple rules of thumb for making it more successful. First, find a place that feels sustainable for the duration of time you’re planning on being there — cafes, restaurants, and bars are always good bets because you can take your time ordering and lingering a bit, while having access to sustenance (and a bathroom, hah!).

“Make sure you’re comfortable with and cognizant of your surroundings, even if it’s in a cafe you frequent, or on a metro line you’ve ridden a hundred times.”

If you’re going somewhere new, especially, I recommend being aware of your safety. Make sure you’re comfortable with and cognizant of your surroundings, even if it’s in a cafe you frequent, or on a metro line you’ve ridden a hundred times. If a space is completely new to me, I take time to evaluate the energy — if I find that I’m sticking out in ways that draw too much attention, I always have a backup. Which leads me to the next point…


      2. Have a backup activity — and story, just in case.

          As an ADHD-er, it’s nearly impossible for me to go anywhere without a secondary activity (I always bring crocheting with me to movie theaters in case I feel like fidgeting). If you’re out on your own and don’t want to be super conspicuous, bring an easy activity like doodling, journaling, or even just listening to music. You’ll feel more at home, and will also be more likely to blend into the background while enjoying the proximity of others.

          I’ve also found that existing alone as a woman in some of these spaces can attract unwanted attention, so I also keep a sneaky alter-ego on hand in case someone starts chatting me up and insisting on getting my name. (This is especially handy when you’re new to expressing your boundaries in a no-nonsense way, or if you feel unsafe to say get the heck away from me.) Protect yourself!


          3. Don’t stare.

          Hear me out on this one — people-watching isn’t just about watching. My go-to method is to put my headphones on without music, and absorb my eyes and hands in a craft or journal while I listen instead. Occasional breaks to look up and around, as if lost in thought, give me a chance to put faces to the voices I’m hearing.

          This is also essential for everyone else’s comfort. If you notice someone’s guard going up because of your presence, make an active effort to either return to your secondary activity, disengage from what you’re seeing or hearing them say, or move to another space altogether. If we’re going to spend our awareness on others, we should first practice being aware of ourselves. I find that transient spaces, like subways or parks, are great places to people watch without lingering on one person for too long; bars and cafes are much more sedentary and can lead to awkward glances — or sometimes, meaningful conversations.

          “Transient spaces, like subways or parks, are great places to people watch without lingering on one person for too long; bars and cafes are much more sedentary and can lead to awkward glances — or sometimes, meaningful conversations.”


          4. Keep record of it, if you want.

          I always carry a journal and a pen with me, which comes in handy when I see compelling scenes I’d like to remember. (One that stuck with me in particular was a young woman powdering her nose, looking expectantly around at the distracted patrons beside her while waiting for the bartender’s attention).

          One of the people I have observed, and subsequently became friends with, told me he keeps a notebook of all the regulars at our local spot and updates it frequently when he learns names or fun facts about a patron. I had the privilege of hearing his notes about me from before we became friends — a truly fascinating glimpse into how others perceive me before they know me.

          If you’re feeling a bit conspicuous, another trick I keep handy is to write my people watching notes in a Google doc; I turn down the brightness on my laptop in case I feel like other folks are watching me. Hey, if you want to people watch you have to be at least a little okay with being watched. It comes with the territory.

          My personal rule is to never take pictures or videos without other people’s consent, although there are some creatives, like street photographers, whose art can depend on the magic of a fleeting moment.


          5. You don’t have to do it alone.

          “Keep your observations neutral, people watching shouldn’t be an excuse just to be judgmental or cruel.”

          One of the beautiful things about observing others is that you can easily recruit a friend. Asking each other things about what we think two disparate characters are talking about, or hypothesizing about what people do for a living is always fun, just remember to be discreet if you don’t want to draw more attention.

          A line from Paul Simon’s song America captures this simply and sweetly, “Laughing on the bus // Playing games with the faces // She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy // I said ‘Be careful, his bowtie is really a camera.'” Don’t be afraid to play!

          I’ve even been known to strike up conversations with strangers if I am observing someone else particularly interesting — like, “Have you noticed the woman who only ever comes to talk to the bouncer, but never comes in?” Keep your observations neutral though, people watching shouldn’t be an excuse just to be judgmental or cruel.


          6. Don’t be afraid to meet people.

          Sometimes, my people-watching turns into eye contact (sometimes even more than once, awkwarrrrd!) As I’ve gained more confidence, it’s been easier for me to strike up a conversation with the people around me.

          I recently saw a man diligently scribbling notes in the margins of a Toni Morrison novel while alone at a bar, and I was instantly curious. After I asked him to watch my table while I went to the restroom, I was able to thank him and it then felt natural to strike up a conversation. Turns out, we’re kindred spirits in many ways and became fast friends. These connections won’t always work out, but welcome them when they feel like they’re flowing.

            I have people watching to thank for meeting so many new friends in the past year — Alex, Katie, Freddy, Cindy, Ayumi, Sam, Layla, Clay. The men from Detroit in town for an automotive conference, the table of delightful folks playing a board game I joined in on, the manager of a cat cafe in Washington, DC, who actually had helped me adopt my cat earlier that week.

            And don’t forget all the very good dogs I’ve come to know: Gracie, Xena, Bella, Bowie, Ellie, Chopper. 

            I’ve learned about people’s dreams, and remembered their hobbies and interests to ask them next time I see them. I’ve also heard strangers’ stories about loved ones who have passed on, being sure to call them by their names to keep their memory alive. Of course, you don’t have to dive any further into someone’s life while you’re people watching; but for me, the beauty lies in uncovering what lies beneath my original perception of someone I’ve noticed from across the room.

            “Whether you’re seeking creative inspiration or are just looking for a little balm for a lonely day, take yourself out on a solo date and let yourself get a little lost in the lives of other people.”

            Whether you’re seeking creative inspiration or are just looking for a little balm for a lonely day, take yourself out on a solo date and let yourself get a little lost in the lives of other people. It’s a powerful reminder of how we’re all living our own storylines, an experience in sonder that can stick in your mind for much longer than the few moments you have to observe.

            So, give it a chance! Let me know what you’ve observed — and what you’ve learned — in the comments below. I’d love to hear your stories.

            Emily McGowan is the Editorial Director at The Good Trade. She studied Creative Writing and Business at Indiana University, and has over ten years of experience as a writer and editor in sustainability and lifestyle spaces. Since 2017, she’s been discovering and reviewing the top sustainable home, fashion, beauty, and wellness products so readers can make their most informed decisions. Her editorial work has been recognized by major publications like The New York Times and BBC Worklife. You can usually find her in her colorful Los Angeles apartment journaling, caring for her rabbits and cat, or gaming. Say hi on Instagram!