When I got married in 1985, I never imagined that I’d be divorced almost 31 years later on my wedding anniversary. I thought marriage lasted forever, like my parents’ had, although theirs was the generation that divorce rates started rising. I still recall being in my first marital therapy class in graduate school in clinical psychology and asking my teachers: What happens if two people get married at a younger age and then they grow apart? They had no answer for me but it made intuitive sense to me that “growing apart,” in addition to other factors, accounted for a high percentage of divorces — including, eventually, mine.

“I thought marriage lasted forever, like my parents’ had, although theirs was the generation that divorce rates started rising.”

Once I started my private practice in 1990, I saw many couples. It became clear to me that marital dissatisfaction and conflict build up over time, not overnight. Because I specialized in pregnancy and postpartum mental health, I learned that having a baby could intensify pre-existing problems between partners or cause issues in relationships that started when children were born. We now know that the perinatal period is a time of increased vulnerability to health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and mental health issues, for both men and women. Up to 1 in 7 women will experience a pregnancy and/or postpartum clinical episode because having a newborn is characterized by seismic hormonal, situational, and psychological challenges that are not easily overcome.

“Marital dissatisfaction and conflict build up over time, not overnight.”

Unlike other new parents, my ex-husband Steve and I were excellent partners during our daughters’ early childhood years and well into middle school. When my husband lost his job after our second daughter’s birth, we decided he would stay home and be the primary caregiver, and I would focus on being the breadwinner. This worked well until our oldest daughter was a few years away from starting college, and I didn’t feel comfortable with financing her tuition alone. Then a truly unfortunate incident occurred: Two days before my daughter’s high school graduation, Steve fell off a garage roof he was repairing for a client, and shattered his ankle and foot. After two surgeries and nine months of rehab, he returned to work. My mother and I drove my daughter to college that fall while he learned to walk again.

Looking back, that was the start of several life changes that led to my wanting a divorce. Although we tried to make it work, additional health and work stressors taxed our already faltering relationship. After having head surgery to remove a benign tumor between my auditory and facial nerve in 2014, and then being treated for early-stage breast cancer in 2015, I decided I didn’t want to stay in a marriage where both of us were unhappy any longer. I was intensely aware that life is short and that I was fortunate to be alive and well. My divorce was final six months later.

The truth about divorce and its psychological impact

The harsh truth about divorce is that it’s never easy, and no one escapes unscathed. The psychological impact of divorce is always significant, even under the best of circumstances, such as an uncontested divorce or when both parties agree that ending their marriage is best. In my psychotherapy practice and personal relationships, I’ve seen the effects of divorce range from fairly mild and time-limited reactions to the occurrence of major life disruption and clinical symptoms of depression and anxiety.

“The harsh truth about divorce is that it’s never easy, and no one escapes unscathed.”

Because divorce is so emotionally complicated, most people progress through different phases differently, depending on their psychological make-up and whatever unique life circumstances that brought them to this fork in the road. Initially, I felt a great sense of relief in reclaiming my own space, both physically in my home and in my inner life. Having survived breast cancer and choosing not to stay in a marriage that had ended emotionally, I was given a second chance at living life to its fullest. I was happy, contented, and enjoyed being on my own. I resumed my mindfulness practice and wrote a book, “Stress Less Live Better,” about how mindfulness helped me cope with recent and past life changes, including my breast cancer and postpartum challenges following my first daughter’s birth.

What surprised me at 18 months post-divorce was that once I had gotten over my anger and disappointment with Steve, I thought that maybe we could try again. Although we were friendly by then and sharing more positive moments together, when he told me that he didn’t have “those kind of feelings” for me anymore, my grief felt overwhelming. Before, I had been glad not to be married, but after 35 years with each other, the harsh reality of knowing our emotional marriage was over was hard to take.

From personal and professional experience, I have learned that the psychological impact of divorce often feels different from one time to another as we go through the hard work of recovery and healing. We suffer multiple losses, including the loss of our partner, the loss of the dreams we shared, our personal dream of what the future looked like, the loss of shared friends, family members, and pets, and the loss of time with children, according to custody arrangements. We find ourselves stumbling along an unknown and uncertain path that we may never have expected to traverse.

“We suffer multiple losses, including the loss of our partner, the loss of the dreams we shared, our personal dream of what the future looked like, the loss of shared friends, family members, and pets.”

Grieving is a normal response to journeying through divorce. In order, the stages of grief are: Denial and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression/resignation, and acceptance. However, just like the severity of what we experience emotionally and mentally following divorce varies from person to person, so does the process of grieving. We may go through the stages in sequence, but more often we skip around from one to another. Most of us finally arrive at acceptance with many twists and turns along the way. 

There is no set time that recovery from divorce takes. Events which remind us of the family we once had, including graduations, marriages, births, and deaths, may trigger feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and regret. This is the nature of grief. 

The many complications of divorce

A second truth about divorce is that it is always complicated. Very few divorces proceed seamlessly, including uncontested ones. 

When Steve and I decided to divorce, we initially planned to use a mediator. However, the attorney I spoke with recommended we each have our own legal counsel, and I made this clear to him up until the time he signed the divorce papers. I thought that since each of us agreed we were unhappy in our marriage, it would be a relief to not be living together and we could part ways amicably. That didn’t happen.

“Very few divorces proceed seamlessly, including uncontested ones.”

First, he didn’t want to move out of our house, which is what we’d decided on. Following several months of us both being at home, I told him that he needed to find his own place. Months later, when he realized he wasn’t happy with our divorce settlement and felt that I’d taken advantage of him, he shared this with our daughters, who were already struggling with our breakup because we had been such a close family. From this, I learned that age doesn’t dictate the impact of divorce on children. As parents, we have a responsibility to make certain our unhealed feelings towards each other don’t get in their way.

Whether you have children or not, there will be relationship changes and relationship losses. Like your children, you’ll discover that family and friends have feelings about your marriage or partnership ending, including feeling hurt and uncomfortable with one or the other of you. Ultimately, people you thought would remain friends or family, may not. With others, you may remain close and continue to spend time together, especially if children are involved. You’ll have to work out what happens with your furry loved ones, and this can also be heartbreaking. Remember, your loved ones will be grieving too. Be patient with them and yourself in figuring out what’s next.

“You’ll discover that family and friends have feelings about your marriage or partnership ending, including feeling hurt and uncomfortable with one or the other of you.”

Another complication of divorce is that no one is exempt from financial changes. Because I’ve specialized in marital/couples therapy since 1984, I’ve gotten the chance to see what can happen when reaching a settlement about who gets what. In fact, both clients and friends have told me that dividing things when you don’t have much is easier than when you do. Deciding who gets what can intensify feelings of anger, worry, resentment, and hurt.

It can be very stressful when there’s one partner who’s been in charge of the finances and the other doesn’t know what’s going on. This could be as simple as not knowing balances in savings, checking, or retirement accounts. Likewise, you might not know what information you’ll need to access these accounts, including online usernames or passwords. Worse than that, you may discover you’re locked out of these accounts because they’re not registered jointly and are only in one partner’s name. In my years of clinical practice and watching friends divorce, it’s surprising how frequently this happens.

While this seems bad enough, it could be even more complicated. There could be accounts that one or the other partner doesn’t know about at all. I’ve had clients who found out about hidden accounts that their partners planned to keep for themselves, and clients who hid money because they were secretly planning to leave an unhappy marriage. Back in the day, most women didn’t know what went on financially because they were busy taking care of their husbands, children, homes, and extended family. Depending on the judge who makes the final decision on your divorce agreement or the state you live in, you may get more or less. Make certain to find out as much as you can about what’s going on financially so you know what you as a couple have and can make a more informed decision about what you want.

The next complication of divorce is figuring out who you truly are. On the surface, this sounds easier than it turns out to be. 

“The next complication of divorce is figuring out who you truly are.”

When I first became single, I thought, “At last. I get to be on my own. No more dead end conversations and mounting resentments. No more emotional standoffs.” Instead, I poured my energy into writing “Stress Less Live Better,” my book about the mindful stress reduction approach program I’d created. It kept me focused, motivated, and fulfilled. It was my therapy and opportunity to process what I’d been through since 2006, which included Steve’s accident, our marital and financial stress, and my personal health issues that led to my filing for divorce.

Meanwhile, my roles as a mom and with my friends and family were mostly unchanged because the majority of friends and family relationships had been mine originally. My friends gave me their best advice about whether post-divorce life was better alone or with someone. However, after dating two different men for over a year each, I couldn’t decide what I wanted. So, I found an out-of-town partner with whom I share my life, whether we are spending time together or apart. Actually, this is becoming a trend for 55+ couples called “living apart together.” While I enjoy time together, having dedicated time apart to be with friends and family works best for me.

Of course, identity change involves much more than discovering whether you want a partner or not. Over the past nine years, I’ve realized that I’m an extroverted introvert and a type A person living in a type B body. Although I need quiet time to reset, too much of it can lead to overthinking and overwhelm. I need a balance of activity and non-doing to keep myself centered. As a result, I work out three days a week, schedule weekly visits with friends and family, write, garden, and read. I’ve also rekindled my love for cooking and experimenting with making recipes my own

“In the spirit of self-discovery, I’ve gotten to know myself better, again, and reconnected with my sense of adventure, independence, self-reliance, and curiosity.”

In the spirit of self-discovery, I’ve gotten to know myself better, again, and reconnected with my sense of adventure, independence, self-reliance, and curiosity. I’ve traveled abroad alone and gotten to see how people experience me when they’re first getting to know me. I built a new house and left our family home of 32 years to live where I only knew a couple of people. I met Danny, my wonderful partner of 4+ years, and found out how the more mature, wiser me is a better communicator and more loving partner. 

Our identity influences the choices we make; it is the experiences we have from these choices that lead us to defining who we are and who we will become. 

A psychologist’s recommendations on how to heal from divorce

Equally as important as the compassion and grace you give your other relationships is having a loving and accepting attitude towards yourself during your healing process. In mindfulness, we call this self-compassion and being non-judgmental.

“Like other major life transitions, each person’s path is unique; how we cope along the way will be different as well.”

Like other major life transitions, each person’s path is unique; how we cope along the way will be different as well. Do not compare yourself to what others felt or experienced in their post-divorce process or what you think is “the way to heal from divorce.” No one can tell you how to proceed exactly because only you are you.

Realize that our thoughts and feelings are what we experience in the moment, and what seems unbearable one day and looks different the next day, week, or month. Be patient. Give yourself time to heal. This too shall pass.

From personal and professional experience, here are five of my top recommendations for how to heal after divorce. 

1. Remember: Divorce is a major life transition

Remind yourself whatever your circumstances, divorce is a “defining moment” that has a significant impact on you and your loved ones. It is messy and causes emotional upheaval, regardless of who started the proceedings. You may feel a sense of loss more or less, depending on you and your situation. Grief and some emotional turmoil can’t be avoided. It will take time to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

2. Practice self-care 

As with other major life changes, divorce requires that we take steps to do what we can to fortify our physical health and emotional well-being. Practice my four pillars of health: Nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress-reduction. Do what you can to eat or snack at regular intervals 3-5 times a day. Exercise 2-3 times a week for 20-30 minutes, which could be taking a walk or attending a fitness class in person or online. Listen to music, a meditation app, or my online body scan relaxation to soothe your body and mind before you go to bed. Rest or nap when you can to make up for lost sleep. The better you feel physically, the more emotional and mental energy you’ll have to cope with what you’re going through.

3. Practice stress reduction 

While it might sound ridiculous to suggest this, you’d be surprised what many of my clients have learned to do when their life stress intensifies, which is when they usually come to see me. I start with teaching them simple skills they can do “in the moment” as they are going about their day. Both in and out of their sessions, we practice breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, savoring their sensory experiences, and skills for settling their thoughts. In the moment you redirect your attention to a neutral or stress-relieving practice, stress eases, and you start rebuilding your stress resilience.

4. Take care of your children

Remember, we have a responsibility to our children not to let our unhealed feelings towards our partners get in the way. Reassure them they are not to blame and that you still love them very much. Don’t talk to your children about your partner and/or their other parent because they will have their own thoughts and feelings to deal with. Remind yourself that they have lost the “only family they’ve known,” no matter what age they are.

5. Soothe your mind and body

Mindfulness teaches us that “No experience, good or bad, lasts forever” — although when we’re going through a major life transition, it can feel like it does. Through mindfulness practice, I learned to redirect my attention to the moment I was in, which often provided a temporary reprieve from feeling bad or getting carried away with thoughts that my life would never get better.

So, for a moment, shift your attention to what you can do to feel a little bit better instead of focusing on what’s wrong. Play with your child or pet and pay attention to the delight in their eyes. Go out to a favorite restaurant with a friend. Listen to music you loved growing up. Take a bubble bath. Get your nails done. Light a scented candle. Watch the sunset. Make a gratitude list. Buy yourself flowers. Help someone out. Do a favor for a family member or friend. 

Finally, remind yourself, “This too shall pass,” because everything in life does. This is the nature of life.

Dr. Diane Sanford is a women’s health psychologist specializing in empowering women through every stage of life. For 35+ years she has prescribed self-care and mindfulness to guide her clients towards inner peace and self-awareness. To achieve clarity and balance in her own life, her self-care and mindfulness practices include yoga, meditation, walks in nature, reading, cooking, spending time with loved ones and playing with her 20-month old grandson, Cameron. You can visit her at drdianesanford.com.